Two Step Program

Leanna’s Two Step Program for Dealing with Idiots

This actually works EVERY time.  It’s only Tuesday and yet I feel this program needs to be implemented tonight. WHO’S WITH ME?!

1. Shot of Vodka
2. If above does not work, continue repeating Step 1.

Cheers,

Negative Body Image. It’s Got to Go.

photo 1

It is…Monday morning, and you say ‘fuck off’ to your phone alarm (which by the way sounds AWFUL to wake up to – you need to change it) and wait for your second, third, and fourth alarm to go off to give you an extra 20 min of rest which probably won’t make you any more ready to take on the day. Your morning routine has some tweaking to do.

Recap: You had some appetizers with some co-workers Friday night, followed by a girls wine and cheese night Saturday. Sunday you got back into your nice habit of healthy eating. Not too shabby, right?

Apparently not.

You get up out of bed, are hungry and half-assed ready to take on the world and then you look in the mirror and point out 5 things that piss you right off about your lady lumps and make you want to call in sick in order to work out for like…8 hours. But you can’t…so instead you vow that you’re never eating again. For real. And now you’re pissy and throwing negative vibes all over the place.

9AM rolls around at work, and you’ve forgotten all about your vow that you made earlier (thank god you didn’t put a ring on it). And…you eat. Feel guilty…eat…guilty…eat…fucking guilty…etc, etc.

So I’m here to tell you and your stupid ass brain to tell your eyes and head to get their SHIT straight! As if we don’t have enough problems in our life! Your monthly mother nature bullshit gives you a headache, back ache, cramps, bitchy mood that you’ll never admit to having, and more (I think I skipped the most obvious here ” . “). You have bad hair days, and those days where you have to deal with your sexual counterparts (don’t even get me started). Then there’s that lingering feeling of paranoia after some hot sex that if something happened with those little sperm swimmers, you might land yourself with being sober for 9 months (holy…FUCK). Furthermore, the only way you’ll enjoy another glass of wine is by pushing an average 7-8 pound baby out of your vagina. Somehow this turned into a sex-ed blog (birth control and condoms if you love your wine as much as I do, ladies).

Anyways, being a woman is hard. Why are we making it harder on ourselves?

Wake up in the morning, and EMBRACE your beauty. Don’t aspire to look a certain way, aspire to be happy! Aspire to be healthy. Yes, you can have dessert, or choose to pass. Who the fuck cares? We need to stop focusing on negative vibes, and start being healthy. Healthy brain, healthy heart, healthy life. Surround yourself with people who are a positive influence on your soul. No one in your life should make you feel bad about yourself, be it on the inside or out. If they aren’t there for you, then drop them. Seriously, like a sac of potatoes.

You wouldn’t see Hayden Panettiere aiming to have legs like Tara Banks. Nor would you see Natalie Portman hoping for Scarlet Johanson’s boobs. Or butt. And personally, I wouldn’t want to have Miley Cirus’ tongue, with it whipping all over the place like it ain’t no thang. BUT – these women are all ridiculously beautiful. And so are you. So tomorrow morning, and every morning after that – wake up, and tell yourself three things you love about yourself when you stand in your mirror. And by god, go eat some breakfast. Because 9 am will hate you otherwise, and you can’t drop 9AM like a sac of potatoes. It will drop you.

The Bacon Bandaid

The Bacon Bandaid

That’s right. Bacon heals all. Makes us whole again. The broken become one… Bacon.

The bacon phenomenon has evolved from being cooked in a pan every Sunday by your dad who refused to put on a shirt to avoid grease burns on his torso – to being cooked in the oven, or thrown into a cheesy-mayo-bacon trifecta and calling it a dip. You can also wrap up just about everything under the sun with it, like mushrooms, jalapenos, asparagus, chicken, pork chops, steak! …STEAKKK.. just to name a few.

Your kid doesn’t like eating something? Wrap it in bacon! But don’t let them peel the smoky, salty goodness off and just eat that. Cause that’s what I’d do, and most times, children are smarter than me – they’re bound to figure this out.

Your fussy ass husband won’t eat the chicken you made because he wants REAL meat? Wrap that fucking chicken in bacon and he won’t complain again. If this isn’t your style you could also just whip the chicken at him and tell him to cook for himself. KIDDING. Sort of. Better yet, wrap HIM up in bacon and then eat the chicken yourself! You won’t be mad at him anymore and technically, you just made yourself a bacon dessert. With sex. Sex and bacon? You just walked through the pearly gates.

And with that…here is one of my all-time favorite recipes. If you can’t figure out what the first ingredient is by now, then you best go home and grab yourself a stiff drink. With a bacon skewer in it.

 Bacon Wrapped and  Gouda Stuffed Pork Chops
Bacon Wrapped and Gouda Stuffed
Adapted from:
What you need:
  • slices bacon per pork chop, cooked about 5 min.  (makes this easy to wrap)
  • 4-6 boneless pork chops
  • 4-5 ounces smoked Gouda cheese,  cut into small cubes
  • 1/4 cup chopped fresh parsley. If you don’t have fresh…spice rack will do.
  • salt and pepper to taste, or as desired. Or not at all. Whatever floats your taste buds’ boat.

Instructions

  1. First off, pour yourself a Kronenbourg Blanc, cheers to your wonderful cooking abilites. Drink as desired.
  2. Preheat oven to 350 degrees
  3. Cut thawed pork chops lengthwise to form a ‘pocket’ in each. Leave each edge intact. Fill pork chops with the cubed cheese.
  4. Wrap two – three slices of bacon around each pork chop and secure with tooth picks horizontally.
  5. Lay in a small casserole dish – cheese facing upright. Sprinkle with parsley.
  6. Bake for one hour in preheated oven
  7. Don’t share these with anyone else if you can’t eat them all in one sitting.

Cheers,

 

Basil, Bacon and Apricot Brie-anna

To view this awesome recipe and more..go to

http://www.yourhomebasedmom.com/basil-bacon-peach-baked-brie/

This is the best way to eat your brie.  Hands down… now hands up…high five. Whatever.  Here is my inspired recipe below

brie

WHAT YOU NEED:

  • One thing of Brie (smaller one..it needs to wrap in the dough)
  • Pilsbury ‘Country Biscuits’ dough
  • Some cooked bacon…a few pieces (I know you’ll eat half the package after it’s cooked anyway)
  • Fresh basil..a few pieces. If your local market don’t have it, grab it from your spice rack.
  • Apricot jam

INSTRUCTIONS

First off, pour a glass of wine, cheers to your wonderful cooking abilities. Drink as desired.

Second, open the dough up, mush it all together and use a rolling pin to flatten out (might need some flour to throw down in case it’s too sticky). It should be big enough so you can wrap the brie up so..use your own discretion. I know you’re smart 😉

Place the brie in the middle of the dough and top with Apricot Jam, your crumpled bacon, and some basil. If the basil is pissed off and doesn’t want to go on last, put it on there first, then. Just get it all on there!

Now cover the brie with the dough and pinch the top so it stays together.

Use some egg wash on the top and it’s ready to become beautiful.

Throw in the oven (not too hard though), and let it cook at 375 for about 20 minutes.  When you see the top browned you should be A-ok to pull out! (STOP drooling).  If the brie starts leaking out somehow, it’s safe to say you fucked up. Or you had too much wine. I said a GLASS..not a bottle! Kidding. What is ‘too much’ wine?

Cheers

Thee Insult.

One of 2013’s most underrated insults to women:

Girls be like, ‘I don’t get along with other girls.’

REALLY. IS THAT SO. Because I don’t know about you, but I already don’t like you, so I sure as shit wouldn’t  get along with you, either.  This has to be the one statement that allows recipients of it to retort back with their middle finger.

Just because you may have been gifted with a little bit less estrogen than some of us, it doesn’t take away from the fact that.. you’re still a BITCH! With no female friends. Yes, some of us might be a little crazy and emotional, but when all your male friends go running off and getting married, you’ll be all alone, wishing you’d have acted like a decent human being and made friends with people along the way, regardless of whether they had a set of balls or not.

Let’s face it, God gave you a pair of boobs, which makes you need to wear a sports bra to do anything remotely active, Mother Nature gave you one week out of four to justify your bitchiness, and at the end of the fucking day, your male posse will never understand you quite the way we do.  You aren’t so different from us, trust me.

And TBH…(the Bieber Hater? The Butt Hugger?) …Sorry, no that’s ‘To Be Honest,’  you may not have a lot of friends. Your struggle is real.

This is 2014. It’s time for us females to start empowering one another! Why would we bash our own sex? Being a woman is awesome, being friends with us is even better.