Category Archives: Food

Ready when you’re hangry.

Guac the Guac

If you can talk the talk then you can guac the guac, honey. I’m talking about mashed up, perfectly ripe, came down from heaven and about to go in and around your mouth avocados prepared for the dipping! Oh. Em. Gee. Guac. The somewhat healthy snack (as long as you don’t eat the whole made that for four people and then totally didn’t mean to finish it right?! I know, it’s a common struggle) has several variations and I’m gladly giving you my favorite one!

I just died a little inside knowing I don’t have any, and it’s 11:01. Stores are closed. Now there’s no guac to go with my vodka and Netflix. Shit. I’ll give you the recipe anyways in the hopes of getting to live vicariously through you. Wait, I have vodka! Haha! I’m doing better than you anyway, so nevermind.

Enjoy my friends!

Guac Of The Town

First off, make yourself a caesar, cheers to your wonderful cooking abilities (you’re not even cooking here) and drink as desired.


Avocados – 3-4 medium size, cut, pitted, mashed. BAM.

1/2 tsp lemon juice, or to taste

1/8 tsp salt, or to taste

1/8 tsp pepper, or to taste

1/4 tsp garlic powder, or minced

1/8 tsp tobacco (don’t freak out – the spice isn’t that bad)

1/4 cup tomatoes, chopped and juices removed

1/4 cup cucumber, chopped

1/4 cup white onion, chopped


Uhm…mix it all together. The trick here is to not taste until it’s all mixed. Seriously. Don’t fucking taste it. You can’t really screw up Guac…I mean come on…you’re good girl. You rock.

Note: Your chip-to-guac ratio should never exceed 50%, or you’re doing it all wrong and the Guac Gods will hate you for it.



The Bacon Bandaid

The Bacon Bandaid

That’s right. Bacon heals all. Makes us whole again. The broken become one… Bacon.

The bacon phenomenon has evolved from being cooked in a pan every Sunday by your dad who refused to put on a shirt to avoid grease burns on his torso – to being cooked in the oven, or thrown into a cheesy-mayo-bacon trifecta and calling it a dip. You can also wrap up just about everything under the sun with it, like mushrooms, jalapenos, asparagus, chicken, pork chops, steak! …STEAKKK.. just to name a few.

Your kid doesn’t like eating something? Wrap it in bacon! But don’t let them peel the smoky, salty goodness off and just eat that. Cause that’s what I’d do, and most times, children are smarter than me – they’re bound to figure this out.

Your fussy ass husband won’t eat the chicken you made because he wants REAL meat? Wrap that fucking chicken in bacon and he won’t complain again. If this isn’t your style you could also just whip the chicken at him and tell him to cook for himself. KIDDING. Sort of. Better yet, wrap HIM up in bacon and then eat the chicken yourself! You won’t be mad at him anymore and technically, you just made yourself a bacon dessert. With sex. Sex and bacon? You just walked through the pearly gates.

And with that…here is one of my all-time favorite recipes. If you can’t figure out what the first ingredient is by now, then you best go home and grab yourself a stiff drink. With a bacon skewer in it.

 Bacon Wrapped and  Gouda Stuffed Pork Chops
Bacon Wrapped and Gouda Stuffed
Adapted from:
What you need:
  • slices bacon per pork chop, cooked about 5 min.  (makes this easy to wrap)
  • 4-6 boneless pork chops
  • 4-5 ounces smoked Gouda cheese,  cut into small cubes
  • 1/4 cup chopped fresh parsley. If you don’t have fresh…spice rack will do.
  • salt and pepper to taste, or as desired. Or not at all. Whatever floats your taste buds’ boat.


  1. First off, pour yourself a Kronenbourg Blanc, cheers to your wonderful cooking abilites. Drink as desired.
  2. Preheat oven to 350 degrees
  3. Cut thawed pork chops lengthwise to form a ‘pocket’ in each. Leave each edge intact. Fill pork chops with the cubed cheese.
  4. Wrap two – three slices of bacon around each pork chop and secure with tooth picks horizontally.
  5. Lay in a small casserole dish – cheese facing upright. Sprinkle with parsley.
  6. Bake for one hour in preheated oven
  7. Don’t share these with anyone else if you can’t eat them all in one sitting.



Basil, Bacon and Apricot Brie-anna

To view this awesome recipe and more..go to

This is the best way to eat your brie.  Hands down… now hands up…high five. Whatever.  Here is my inspired recipe below



  • One thing of Brie (smaller needs to wrap in the dough)
  • Pilsbury ‘Country Biscuits’ dough
  • Some cooked bacon…a few pieces (I know you’ll eat half the package after it’s cooked anyway)
  • Fresh basil..a few pieces. If your local market don’t have it, grab it from your spice rack.
  • Apricot jam


First off, pour a glass of wine, cheers to your wonderful cooking abilities. Drink as desired.

Second, open the dough up, mush it all together and use a rolling pin to flatten out (might need some flour to throw down in case it’s too sticky). It should be big enough so you can wrap the brie up so..use your own discretion. I know you’re smart 😉

Place the brie in the middle of the dough and top with Apricot Jam, your crumpled bacon, and some basil. If the basil is pissed off and doesn’t want to go on last, put it on there first, then. Just get it all on there!

Now cover the brie with the dough and pinch the top so it stays together.

Use some egg wash on the top and it’s ready to become beautiful.

Throw in the oven (not too hard though), and let it cook at 375 for about 20 minutes.  When you see the top browned you should be A-ok to pull out! (STOP drooling).  If the brie starts leaking out somehow, it’s safe to say you fucked up. Or you had too much wine. I said a GLASS..not a bottle! Kidding. What is ‘too much’ wine?